RedditNoir1593 points5 hours ago (3150|1557)
Shitty_Watercolour handed me a dirty piece of paper. I look down and saw the vague outlines of a person, a door, and a typewriter. It was blurry, like a 5 year old trying to paint between the lines. Rain dripped from the gutters onto the piece of paper, but the new smudges fit right in with the ones he had painted. For the first time in a long while, I grinned "Is this supposed to be me?" I scoffed. He just sat there, looking at my pockets; I could see the saliva dribbling from his chin. He was waiting for upvotes, like a Pavlovian dog. What could bring a person to the brink of desperation like this? He'd been hooked on Reddit for so long that he expected karma for any smeared piece of shit he turned out. I took a long drag from my cigarette and slowly blew the smoke, right in his face. He didn't even flinch; he was still waiting for his fix. I took pity on the soul. If this was all he had to contribute, then who was I to kick him while he was already down? I tossed the orange arrow in the trash-clogged gutter and he dived on it like his life depended on it. QuotesBlazzingSaddles crawled out of the shadows and growled at Shitty_Watercolour. I guess his gimmick was so uncreative that he had to feed off the scraps of others. I sat, bemused, drinking from my flask. This was like watching dogs fight over scraps of fat in the alley behind /r/meatporn. I'd stumbled through there once or twice looking for the more * ahem * nsfw reddits. A man has needs, you know? The dames don't exactly swoon for 3-day old accounts very often. Shitty_Watercolour hustled off into the night, with nothing but a brush, paper, and a desperate need for someone to actually pay attention to him. A few lesser novelty accounts followed nonchalantly, knowing that he was one of the best at sniffing out the dolts who upvoted novelty accounts. Just another day on the dirty streets of Reddit. Someone had to clean this mess up, but tonight wasn't the night to start.
Shitty_Watercolour1545 points4 hours ago (2766|1221)
http://imgur.com/Ofipd [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
He came back with another drawing. Like a stray animal, novelty accounts will never leave you alone if you feed them just once. I took the drawing out of his hand, crumpled it up, and threw it in the gutter. He wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but even 4chan denizens would have understood that this meant I wasn't interested anymore. It didn't phase him in the least. I whipped out my flask and took a drink. This was going to take a while. I grabbed him by the ears and shouted into his lifeless face "You need to do something better with your time on Reddit! Get it??" He just stared at me with those dead eyes, hand open. All he could focus on was getting that karma. The rain had started coming down a bit more heavily. The clogged gutter, stuffed with the trashy 'products' of these other novelties, filled quickly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the crumpled ball that had been Shitty_Watercolour's latest attempt float away. I let go of the poor son of a bitch. He slumped as though he had been relying on my grip to hold him up. He looked tired and haggard, but those eyes were still filled with that greedy hunger. Though he looked ready to collapse, that hand never wavered. I brushed past him and continued on my way. There was no hope for him. I discarded my butt and lit up another cigarette; chain smoking was bad for me, but it wasn't as bad as getting that karma addiction under my skin like that guy.
http://imgur.com/Ux4jE [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
This is the greatest novelty war I have ever seen
It's not as amazing as the great "Shitty_Watercolour vs Shitter_Watercolour" shitty watercolour war of '09. Not 2009, but February 9th. edit: [Link](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/pvgoo/my_friends_dad_was_flying_out_of_rome_and_snapped/c3sl20q)
was that really only back in february? it seems like it was just last week. i swear reddit is becoming more and more like hotel california every single day
It was actually sometime in March. [Here is the link.](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/pvgoo/my_friends_dad_was_flying_out_of_rome_and_snapped/c3sl20q)
Holy shit that was awesome.
Which reminds me of when Sure_Ill_Draw_That and Ill_Draw_That_Better partnered up. It was magnificent.
Can you (or someone else) post a link? Never seen that.
Yeah, sure. As soon as I find it. Still looking for it, though.. Edit: [Here we go!](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/hdm5h/this_nsfw/)
I remember that. It was a bloody war, art critics lying dead by the dozens on the side of the streets, tears still wet in their violated eyes.
*Shittier That is a very important "i"! I was afraid to click the link, but turns out it wasn't nearly as scary as i incepted!
That was the greatest thread I've ever seen.
What have you gotten me into?
Begun, the Novelty Wars have.
Boy. You ain't seen nothin'...
This is NOVELTY!
I sat in my chair, picking at the cracked leather. A cold bologna and ketchup sandwich sat on my table, looking as unappetizing and boring as it had been the last few times I had that for dinner this week. Being a private eye on Reddit isn't the most lucrative of career choices. Looks like the majority of my meal was going to be scotch yet again. I clutched the snifter and leaned back in my chair. Out the window, I caught a glimpse of some poor sap standing outside my office in the rain. The streetlight was busted, but I could see that he was holding up a piece of paper. I sighed and took a gulp of booze. It must be that wretched novelty account I'd run across earlier in the evening. They say this is the site that never sleeps, but come on: when would this guy take a hint? I shut the blinds and tried to choke down my sandwich. The rain pelted the windows, pitter-pattering between gusts of wind. I turned my back, trying to focus on my case, but I just couldn't concentrate. I downed the rest of my glass and lit a cigarette. That always managed to take my mind off of things and helped me think. POLITE_ALLCAPS_GUY and his gang were killing off up-and-coming users, and I needed to prove it. What I really needed was a mole in his organization... I was struck by a sudden burst of inspiration. *This* is why I was the best PI in the city! I opened up my window; a bit of cracked paint on the frame flaked off as the old wood struggled to slide up. "Hey Shitty_Watercolour" I called out, "I've got a job for you!"
http://imgur.com/nLfQJ [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
I led the kid upstairs and sat him down in my office. He was soaked, but didn't even seem to notice. There was something special about the kid, and not in a good way. He was dripping rain and spreading mud all over the floor, but it's not as though it was clean in the first place. He clutched a jar of paint in one hand and a stack of papers in the other. I didn't ask where he was hiding the brush. "Look, kid." I started. I perched on the edge of my desk and tried to explain the situation to him. How do you ask a simple kid to go spy on a murderous criminal organization? I offered him a cigarette, but he just stared at me blankly. "Some of your buddies out there, the novelty accounts? They're *dying*, kid." Even thinking about some of those gruesome murders made me reach for the scotch again. "I know this isn't your trouble, but I need a novelty account to get in there and find out what you can. Whaddya say?" The kid just sat there. I grabbed some photos of the previous victims, and showed him the pictures. They were enough to make a bullfighter squeal like a little girl, but the kid didn't even flinch. Shitty_Watercolour must have seen some rough business out there on the streets. "Can you help me out, kid? I don't have much money, but I can promise you: there's some upvotes in it for you." That word just set him off. He whipped out a brush from somewhere in his coat and got to work. He scribbled for a bit and then slopped some paint on the sheet. I sighed and extinguished my cigarette in the overflowing ashtray. Shitty_Watercolour had finished and was thrusting the paper forward like he wanted me to pin it on my refrigerator. It was his worst yet:
http://imgur.com/ivtzV [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
http://imgur.com/Zp2mI
Dude, you just novelitied yourself... DON'T DO THAT AGAIN! It is like dividing by 0!!! We were lucky this time...
Shitty_Watercolour 2012
Shouldn't have been so mean ... you chased him off :(
Just keep going with it, we don't mind :D
RedditNoir is taking a long shit break
I don't know who you are. But you sure can photoshop some good pictures.
haha. Best part of this whole deal.
THIS IS A BATTLE BETWEEN TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF NOVELTY ACCOUNTS!
this has potential
I want to have your babies.
You really think he has time to have babies?
I'm on Team Shitty!
>I'm on a Shitty Team!
Those pictures remind me of the works of [Quentin Blake](http://www.quentinblake.com/en/)
Watching SW mature as an artist, it really does seem like practice makes perfect. You've come a long way!
Now if only i could understand what was going on in these....
I'm crying because of your awesomeness. Seriously.
Will your love child's name be Shitty_RedditNoir?
This was the most epic thing I have ever had the honour witness on Reddit. Both of you, well played. Well played indeed.
such a subtle, well fought battle
I listened to [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znJGiSqfbas) the entire time i was reading
You should listen to it again but first [open this](http://www.rainymood.com/) in another browser window.
Anyone else reading this in [Marv's](http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0002543/) voice?
Nope, I was reading in Hank Ventures voice from Venture Brothers episode "Everybody come to Hanks" [ where he and Al run a detective agency and he ends up banging his dads old girlfriend. ](/spoiler) Edit: spoiler code
Should have a SPOILER ALERT. And I was doing the same thing.
I kept hearing it as a Dixon Hill intro....and damn near pissed myself laughing.
I just can't go back to work after this. The world isn't the same.
Holy crap I don't want this to ever stop.
This is brilliant!
Moar? D:
You mean to tell me I actually have to wait for more replies? I should have waited to get in this thread. D:
MORE MORE MORE MORE
For when RedditNoir replies: http://www.rainymood.com/
Don't forget the music! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rF2UauLtZag or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rF2UauLtZag
Two tabs? You're doing it wrong. www.comfytube.com, set up by a redditor the last time this stuff was submitted.
Holy shit this is perfect.
Dammit redditnoir. Don't stop now.
IMHO, redditnoir clearly won, getting ShittyWC to make a post that isn't a watercolor
RedditNoir FTW ;D
REDDITNOIR FTW Seriously, just because in the paint it shows him drowning, that doesn't mean it's true, he's breaking from the story and ruining it, which is why I lost whatever respect I had for shit painter guy.
He drown in the paint don't you see? Shitty Watercolor has murdered that text walling novelty.
***AND THEN?***
NO AND THEN
***AND THEN?***
*NO AND THEN!*
Upvote for perseverance.
someone message me when this war continues.
You produced a Shitty Watercolour in under 14 minutes!!! HATS OFF TO YOU SIR!
This is the most eric novelty war ever.
[This isn't even the best novelty war Shitty_Watercolor's been in.](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/pvgoo/my_friends_dad_was_flying_out_of_rome_and_snapped/c3sl20q)
I didn't say it was the best, or the most epic.
teehee. very clever
*Holy balls.*
Right?! My clicking finger got a workout :O
And now thanks to that link I just wasted a good 20 minutes laughing my ass off at my desk. Thank god my boss isn't in today.
What The Fuck
WTF IF ERIC?
Look at the other responses that are <1 karma.
THEN WHO WAS ERIC?
ERIC IS DOG. HELLO? РЕСТОРАН!
I personally find it a-paul-ling, eric.
http://i.imgur.com/eu6QD.jpg
http://imgur.com/mgQQC
http://i.imgur.com/ieg4e.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/x4VxV.jpg
Don't buy into this guy Shitt_Watercolour, you're better than this!
http://cuteoverload.com/2009/03/05/kitty-in-bowl/image-1-image018-45-_tphqjpg-for-post-45-2/
No! His digital art supplies are unlimited! You can't win!
POLITE_ALLCAPS_GUY is coming for you, kid.
Don't ever stop.
This is the most epic novelty war ever.
This is the best day of my life.
Surely you mean second best.
Second best to what? Putting a bullet in that bigots head during a play? No this wins hands down.
Did you shoot him over a bag of Skittles?
How do you free a dead guy?
I'm sorry. :'(
Is it bad that I'm only looking at the watercolor paintings?
Reading is hard.
You're missing 92% of top notch reddit entertainment here.
Yes, very bad. At least try to skim the wall of text so you can understand the context of the paintings. It's a very nice wall of text.
I think the majority of us gave up on Noir because Watercolour makes us laugh.
If you wrote a book in this form, just dialogue from a 1920's PI, I'd buy 10 copies. Jus' Sayin'.
You know there's a whole genre for that right? It's called noir.
They need to get together on this. Two pages of Noir to read, then turn the page to see a shitty watercolor. It'd be a bestseller.
Weirdest children's book, ever.
Damn. Trail ends here.
Nohooo, brother. This shit is just beginning.
Dude patience.
The internet is no place for patience!
I'd really like to see [i_only_say-lol](http://www.reddit.com/user/i_only_say_lol) jump into the middle of this.
bologna and ketchup?
You two need to write a book.
It's as if I'm really there. You could make a living as a writer. Or do you? edit: now it's just waiting for the moviedeal.
I...really need to hear the rest of this story. Following patiently. OP always delivers, I'm sure he will.
*Dun-dun-duuun!* This shit just got real
Plot Twist: Shitty_Watercolour and RedditNoir are the same person!
Ok M. Night.... don't get any ideas here...
Or...they're both AndrewSmith1986.
This is why we can't have nice things.
And we're really all dead, and Reddit is hell.
which are actually POLITE_ALLCAPS_GUY
You've just been Shyamalaned!!!
Shyamalaned in Milan with that hot blond while dancing with fawns that I plan to pawn at the break of dawn after I mow my lawn.
You mean "AndrewSmith'd"
i mean WHAT A TWISST
And they're both ghosts!
I wouldn't be surprised.
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan.
I knew this was going to be said within 5 minutes of posting that. Shyamalamadingdong.
> No one just wins wars. > The blood from the crossfire > Will leave no victors.
that haiku wasn't so shitty.
it is when you realize its 5-6-5, and haiku are 5-7-5
It's like a picture book!
Waiting for RedditNoir to stroll out of a steamy alley in a trenchcoat and flash us with another cigarette fueled novelty rant. The panel has SW ahead 29-28 through 3 rounds.
>Waiting for RedditNoir to stroll out of a steamy alley in a trenchcoat and flash us Fixed that for us.
>>Waiting for RedditBoudoir to stroll out of a steamy alley in a trenchcoat and flash us >Fixed that for us. FTFTFY
This one is actually pretty damn good.
*Ouch...*
I f'in love you both......
Have you thought about selling all these shitty watercolors. Some are really nice. The man and the typewriter is perfect. It symbolizes loneliness and purposelessness in a human being. The line light makes me believe it is the "less than bright" future. Idk, just saying.
I've honestly seen worse things on the walls of art galleries.
looks totally like every picture in a roahld dahl book!
Shit's about to get real.
mm,,,,,,,,,,LLLLLLLLLLoooooooooooooooooooo99999waaaaaaa
This is kind of cute. And pretty stupid.
Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particulary glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.
This account checks out, carry on.
I tip my crumpled, dirty hat to you, as I take the last pull from my three dollar bottle of scotch.
I applaud you sir, this is by far the best novelty account I've ever seen. I hope we see more of you.
"faze", dammit. If you are going to start talking about phasing humans, you'd better be writing Star Trek fanfic, not noir. I had Shitty_Watercolour behind on points, but this is a clear violation and grounds for a judges' ruling against RedditNoir. Match goes to Shitty_Watercolour.
*Overruled.* Match is still in progress, and I'll remind the court that the outcome will be judged not by popularity, but by effort and cleverness. Let the record show a clear typo in paragraph 2.
I defer to the Hon. sir. But for the record, I would like to point out that misuse of a word is not a *typo*, any more than having intercourse with a mistress is an accident. When one puts a thing in completely the wrong spot, it is not just a fumble of the fingers.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/8574746/noir%20deliciouskarma.ogg
>Like a stray animal, novelty accounts will never leave you alone if you feed them just once. hahaha BAM
Match goes to RedditNoir!
NOVELTY FIGHT!
My money is on SW.
He has the advantage due to our attention spans being so shitty
Yeahh... Attention spans.
wat
Something about spans?
RedditNoir all the way, bitch!
You fight when the necessity arises - no matter the mood! Mood's a thing for cattle or making love or playing the baliset. It's not for fighting. — Gurney Halleck
### ***He ain't gettin' killed; he's gettin' mad!***
What do you do with all your drawings? Do you keep them? Do you even write down the amount of Karma you got for them on the backside?
Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.
[Never mind that shit. Here comes Mongo!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwNJla8WvoY&t=1m21s)
This little skirmish is making me unusually excited
xNidhogg34 points4 hours ago (39|5)
holy shit you've only been around for three days? it feels so much longer...
I had to go check his account to confirm this. It feels like he's been here for weeks. Wtf, internet time?
Time passes slower... on the internet... QUICK! MUST SPEND MORE TIME ON REDDIT! WILL LIVE LONGER!
Holy shit...
This is a new theory of special relativity.
That's because he copied the numerous other "Noir narrator" accounts on reddit these days. Sure, he puts some good effort into his posts, but he's by no means original.
There are other "noir narrators" on Reddit? I haven't seen one yet that is not RedditNoir.
There's actually one called Noir_Narrator, I'm fairly sure. I've seen him around.
dr_rainbow17 points4 hours ago (19|2)
I didn't like your account at first but its growing on me. I hope you end up creating a universe with constant developing storylines. It would be cool to say, you and shitty water colour being forced to join together to take on something larger.
"Something larger", he said, the echoes of his comment wafting down the dirty roads, the rotting alleys. The faintest sound reached the ears of none other than the teller of mighty tales, Epic_Story_Time. He awoke, and rose up from the hoard of upvotes he zealously guarded. A challenge had been issued, and by the Sepulchral Netherlords of Reddit, it would be *answered.* RedditNoir continued nonchalantly down the street, his lips moving slightly with his gritty, hardboiled internal narrative. "This city is alive, and it is infected. Novelties have begun to overtake the regulars, whoring themselves for but a single upvote. These filthy streets are full of their kind, desperately quoting and drawing shitty watercolours, begging for attention. And when the streets flood, and the rivers run red, they'll look up to me for help. And I'll say no." RedditNoir continued along the sidewalk, peddling his overdone gimmick as he went. A roar. RedditNoir looked back. He saw the novelties covering in fear. They were familiar with the roar. They knew what it was, what caused it, what was coming for them. He stopped in tracks to analyze the situation, and something bumped into his legs. It was Shitty_Watercolour, pathetically following him for another upvote. Seeing an opportunity, RedditNoir grabbed him and shouted, "What was that roar? Who's coming?! Tell me, damn you, or I'll downvote your shitty watercolours so hard you'll never see the light of a comment thread again!" Shitty_Watercolour shook himself free, and grabbing his supplies and a nearby piece of cardboard swiftly sketched something. RedditNoir leaned in and saw an unbelievably shitty drawing of what looked like a drawn-out, yet epic saga, wreathed in upvotes. "What is this? Another novelty? A vastly overqualified AskScience comment?" Shitty_Watercolour shook his head, flipped the board over and drew something else. Despite the unbelievable shittiness, RedditNoir could see he had tried to draw some kind of vast cathedral, or a tower, or something along the lines. "Who is this? ChurchPewPew?" Watercolour shook his head, his greasy, unkempt hair whipping back and forth. "Is it another novelty? Something meant to be epic?" At the sound of "epic", Shitty_Watercolour leapt up and nodded ferociously. "So it's an epic novelty? That doesn't seem too bad..." RedditNoir's flipped the cardboard over again. "And it's a ...story?" More nodding. "So this roar was caused by a novelty called Epic_Story?" Shitty_Watercolour grabbed the cardboard, and underneath the shitty watercolour of a story he drew a clock. Understanding dawned in RedditNoir's eyes. "Epic_Story_Time? Is that it?" Shitty_Watercolour recoiled at the sound of that name, and the very Earth trembled. Novelties of all kinds, quotes and references and trivia looked up in terror as the earthquake ceased. Far in the sky above, the silhouette of something vast approached. The novelties turned tail and fled as one, scurrying into the shadows and sewers and alleyways of Reddit, fleeing from the approaching beast. The creature landed. The ground shuddered. RedditNoir and Shitty_Watercolour looked up at the beast. Its form was indeterminate, constantly shifting from one thing to the next, but each form was awe-inspiring, majestic, and in every sense of the word, *epic.* Epic_Story_Time had arrived in the thread, and there was about to be a smackdown.
:popcorngif:
All I can say is [this](http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dis-gon-b-gud.gif)
I am looking forward to this.
> Redditor for 10 days Bit of a [Henery Hawk](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henery_Hawk) aren't you?
To be fair, RedditNoir has been around for 4 days. Let them fight it out.
Ohhhhh shit. Time to clear my schedule.
Despite the self-glorifying storyline I was pretty intensely following the tale. Bravo. EDIT: fixed the wording.
I'm sad that RedditNoir did not indulge us :(
Ireadyourpoststoyou19 points2 hours ago (22|3)
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/8574746/noir-watercolor.ogg
So when are you going into the voiceover business?
when i can afford a decent usb mic and get some good sounding demos recorded =P
jimmypopali10 points4 hours ago (12|2)
And the streets of Reddit are safe again. But for how long?
witty_account_name16 points4 hours ago (39|23)
Excellent writing. However, your continuity could use a bit of work. In the previous post, you are putting out your cigarette on Shitty_Watercolour's sign. Then, in this post you are taking a drag from a cigarette, but there is no mention of ever lighting a new one. It is all about the details, man.
This has been covered. Noir is a chain smoker. A new cigarette is always lit, but only mentioned when it adds to the story.
BUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
dhaft884 points3 hours ago (7|3)
>The dames don't exactly swoon for 3-day old accounts very often. @.@ \^ 4 day old account
alton-brown1 pointsan hour ago (1|0)
[/r/meatporn](http://www.reddit.com/r/meatporn) Good Eats.