RedditNoir1593 points5 hours ago (3150|1557)
Shitty_Watercolour handed me a dirty piece of paper. I look down and saw the vague outlines of a person, a door, and a typewriter. It was blurry, like a 5 year old trying to paint between the lines. Rain dripped from the gutters onto the piece of paper, but the new smudges fit right in with the ones he had painted. For the first time in a long while, I grinned "Is this supposed to be me?" I scoffed. He just sat there, looking at my pockets; I could see the saliva dribbling from his chin. He was waiting for upvotes, like a Pavlovian dog. What could bring a person to the brink of desperation like this? He'd been hooked on Reddit for so long that he expected karma for any smeared piece of shit he turned out. I took a long drag from my cigarette and slowly blew the smoke, right in his face. He didn't even flinch; he was still waiting for his fix. I took pity on the soul. If this was all he had to contribute, then who was I to kick him while he was already down? I tossed the orange arrow in the trash-clogged gutter and he dived on it like his life depended on it. QuotesBlazzingSaddles crawled out of the shadows and growled at Shitty_Watercolour. I guess his gimmick was so uncreative that he had to feed off the scraps of others. I sat, bemused, drinking from my flask. This was like watching dogs fight over scraps of fat in the alley behind /r/meatporn. I'd stumbled through there once or twice looking for the more * ahem * nsfw reddits. A man has needs, you know? The dames don't exactly swoon for 3-day old accounts very often. Shitty_Watercolour hustled off into the night, with nothing but a brush, paper, and a desperate need for someone to actually pay attention to him. A few lesser novelty accounts followed nonchalantly, knowing that he was one of the best at sniffing out the dolts who upvoted novelty accounts. Just another day on the dirty streets of Reddit. Someone had to clean this mess up, but tonight wasn't the night to start.
Shitty_Watercolour1545 points4 hours ago (2766|1221)
http://imgur.com/Ofipd [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
He came back with another drawing. Like a stray animal, novelty accounts will never leave you alone if you feed them just once. I took the drawing out of his hand, crumpled it up, and threw it in the gutter. He wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but even 4chan denizens would have understood that this meant I wasn't interested anymore. It didn't phase him in the least. I whipped out my flask and took a drink. This was going to take a while. I grabbed him by the ears and shouted into his lifeless face "You need to do something better with your time on Reddit! Get it??" He just stared at me with those dead eyes, hand open. All he could focus on was getting that karma. The rain had started coming down a bit more heavily. The clogged gutter, stuffed with the trashy 'products' of these other novelties, filled quickly. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the crumpled ball that had been Shitty_Watercolour's latest attempt float away. I let go of the poor son of a bitch. He slumped as though he had been relying on my grip to hold him up. He looked tired and haggard, but those eyes were still filled with that greedy hunger. Though he looked ready to collapse, that hand never wavered. I brushed past him and continued on my way. There was no hope for him. I discarded my butt and lit up another cigarette; chain smoking was bad for me, but it wasn't as bad as getting that karma addiction under my skin like that guy.
http://imgur.com/Ux4jE [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
This is the greatest novelty war I have ever seen
It's not as amazing as the great "Shitty_Watercolour vs Shitter_Watercolour" shitty watercolour war of '09. Not 2009, but February 9th. edit: [Link](http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/pvgoo/my_friends_dad_was_flying_out_of_rome_and_snapped/c3sl20q)
I sat in my chair, picking at the cracked leather. A cold bologna and ketchup sandwich sat on my table, looking as unappetizing and boring as it had been the last few times I had that for dinner this week. Being a private eye on Reddit isn't the most lucrative of career choices. Looks like the majority of my meal was going to be scotch yet again. I clutched the snifter and leaned back in my chair. Out the window, I caught a glimpse of some poor sap standing outside my office in the rain. The streetlight was busted, but I could see that he was holding up a piece of paper. I sighed and took a gulp of booze. It must be that wretched novelty account I'd run across earlier in the evening. They say this is the site that never sleeps, but come on: when would this guy take a hint? I shut the blinds and tried to choke down my sandwich. The rain pelted the windows, pitter-pattering between gusts of wind. I turned my back, trying to focus on my case, but I just couldn't concentrate. I downed the rest of my glass and lit a cigarette. That always managed to take my mind off of things and helped me think. POLITE_ALLCAPS_GUY and his gang were killing off up-and-coming users, and I needed to prove it. What I really needed was a mole in his organization... I was struck by a sudden burst of inspiration. *This* is why I was the best PI in the city! I opened up my window; a bit of cracked paint on the frame flaked off as the old wood struggled to slide up. "Hey Shitty_Watercolour" I called out, "I've got a job for you!"
http://imgur.com/nLfQJ [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
I led the kid upstairs and sat him down in my office. He was soaked, but didn't even seem to notice. There was something special about the kid, and not in a good way. He was dripping rain and spreading mud all over the floor, but it's not as though it was clean in the first place. He clutched a jar of paint in one hand and a stack of papers in the other. I didn't ask where he was hiding the brush. "Look, kid." I started. I perched on the edge of my desk and tried to explain the situation to him. How do you ask a simple kid to go spy on a murderous criminal organization? I offered him a cigarette, but he just stared at me blankly. "Some of your buddies out there, the novelty accounts? They're *dying*, kid." Even thinking about some of those gruesome murders made me reach for the scotch again. "I know this isn't your trouble, but I need a novelty account to get in there and find out what you can. Whaddya say?" The kid just sat there. I grabbed some photos of the previous victims, and showed him the pictures. They were enough to make a bullfighter squeal like a little girl, but the kid didn't even flinch. Shitty_Watercolour must have seen some rough business out there on the streets. "Can you help me out, kid? I don't have much money, but I can promise you: there's some upvotes in it for you." That word just set him off. He whipped out a brush from somewhere in his coat and got to work. He scribbled for a bit and then slopped some paint on the sheet. I sighed and extinguished my cigarette in the overflowing ashtray. Shitty_Watercolour had finished and was thrusting the paper forward like he wanted me to pin it on my refrigerator. It was his worst yet:
http://imgur.com/ivtzV [**♕**](http://www.shittywatercolour.com)
dr_rainbow17 points4 hours ago (19|2)
I didn't like your account at first but its growing on me. I hope you end up creating a universe with constant developing storylines. It would be cool to say, you and shitty water colour being forced to join together to take on something larger.
"Something larger", he said, the echoes of his comment wafting down the dirty roads, the rotting alleys. The faintest sound reached the ears of none other than the teller of mighty tales, Epic_Story_Time. He awoke, and rose up from the hoard of upvotes he zealously guarded. A challenge had been issued, and by the Sepulchral Netherlords of Reddit, it would be *answered.* RedditNoir continued nonchalantly down the street, his lips moving slightly with his gritty, hardboiled internal narrative. "This city is alive, and it is infected. Novelties have begun to overtake the regulars, whoring themselves for but a single upvote. These filthy streets are full of their kind, desperately quoting and drawing shitty watercolours, begging for attention. And when the streets flood, and the rivers run red, they'll look up to me for help. And I'll say no." RedditNoir continued along the sidewalk, peddling his overdone gimmick as he went. A roar. RedditNoir looked back. He saw the novelties covering in fear. They were familiar with the roar. They knew what it was, what caused it, what was coming for them. He stopped in tracks to analyze the situation, and something bumped into his legs. It was Shitty_Watercolour, pathetically following him for another upvote. Seeing an opportunity, RedditNoir grabbed him and shouted, "What was that roar? Who's coming?! Tell me, damn you, or I'll downvote your shitty watercolours so hard you'll never see the light of a comment thread again!" Shitty_Watercolour shook himself free, and grabbing his supplies and a nearby piece of cardboard swiftly sketched something. RedditNoir leaned in and saw an unbelievably shitty drawing of what looked like a drawn-out, yet epic saga, wreathed in upvotes. "What is this? Another novelty? A vastly overqualified AskScience comment?" Shitty_Watercolour shook his head, flipped the board over and drew something else. Despite the unbelievable shittiness, RedditNoir could see he had tried to draw some kind of vast cathedral, or a tower, or something along the lines. "Who is this? ChurchPewPew?" Watercolour shook his head, his greasy, unkempt hair whipping back and forth. "Is it another novelty? Something meant to be epic?" At the sound of "epic", Shitty_Watercolour leapt up and nodded ferociously. "So it's an epic novelty? That doesn't seem too bad..." RedditNoir's flipped the cardboard over again. "And it's a ...story?" More nodding. "So this roar was caused by a novelty called Epic_Story?" Shitty_Watercolour grabbed the cardboard, and underneath the shitty watercolour of a story he drew a clock. Understanding dawned in RedditNoir's eyes. "Epic_Story_Time? Is that it?" Shitty_Watercolour recoiled at the sound of that name, and the very Earth trembled. Novelties of all kinds, quotes and references and trivia looked up in terror as the earthquake ceased. Far in the sky above, the silhouette of something vast approached. The novelties turned tail and fled as one, scurrying into the shadows and sewers and alleyways of Reddit, fleeing from the approaching beast. The creature landed. The ground shuddered. RedditNoir and Shitty_Watercolour looked up at the beast. Its form was indeterminate, constantly shifting from one thing to the next, but each form was awe-inspiring, majestic, and in every sense of the word, *epic.* Epic_Story_Time had arrived in the thread, and there was about to be a smackdown.