About Lesbians and Trans Men

I've caught up with this article from Feministing blasting women who define themselves as preferring "women and trans men." (I suppose there could be men that identify this way, but it generally tends to be women, women who would otherwise call themselves lesbians, or actually do call themselves lesbians, but say that they are only willing to make exceptions for trans men.) The author describes this characterization as "the definition of cissexism," undermining both trans men and women's identities, and specifically persecuting trans women, who are often not included in these people's definition of "women."

I've looked over it, and the discussions about it, and honestly, I can see both sides. I do know "I date women and trans men" lesbians personally, and I think the incredibly complicated relationship between sexuality, individual taste, gender, and culture are a bit too intricate to universally slap this phenomenon with pure bigotry as the only possible explanation.

First off, there's a distinct overlap between female-to-male transsexuality and lesbianism. Both are the result of XX fetuses' brains being partially virilized, after all, and many cultures, including our own, conflate them. In America, there's even the term "boi," which I've noticed is sort of half-way in between being butch and being trans. Obviously these categories have differences between them, that's why they have their own terms, but they have a lot of similarities, too, and this is reflected in their sexualities.

From here

I've noticed that a lot of lesbians find trans men very attractive, the same way a lot of lesbians will instantly drool over butch girls or "boi"s. Both can strike a particular chord of androgyny, a particular blend of masculine and femininity that is a genuine turn-on for them. And while others may disagree, I don't think it has to do with disrespecting their identity. When I've seen it happen, it's very respectful, (or at least, as respectful as ogling can be.) In my experience, it's always "He's so hot," even with a trans guy who's not completely passable.

There's also the fact that trans guys often identify as lesbians before they transition, sensing that's an easier or simpler way to let out their masculinity. Sometimes they realize they need to transition while they're in the middle of a relationship with a lesbian-identified woman. If that lesbian-identified woman then decides to stay with him, bam, you have a lesbian who has made an exception for a trans guy.

Are trans girls left out by this slightly counter-intuitive attraction/transition dynamic? Yes, their kind of androgyny isn't generally attractive to lesbians. This doesn't necessarily mean that they have no options if they want a girlfriend, though, because guess who does appreciate their kind of androgyny?

Straight women. Seriously, have you ever been on deviantart, or fanfiction.net? Are you aware of David Bowie, or Visual Kei (or heck, the entire dominant male aesthetic) in Japan? There's a significant number of straight women who find male-based femininity incredibly attractive- their ideal male form, even. I guess a lot of women have a thing for androgyny, in both directions.

Now, this doesn't mean that straight women are exactly leaping onto MTFs, and I think there's two things hindering that- one is the stigma of trans women, who are generally thought of as much more freakish than trans men. The second is the stigma of queerness itself. Writing or reading erotica about queer XYs is one thing, but it's not the same as being a member of a community that's defined by having an alternate sexuality. It's easier for lesbians to proclaim their love of transsexuals because they've already proclaimed their love of vagina. They're going from "off-beat" to "slightly more off-beat," not from "normal" to "freaky."

But it's not impossible- while it doesn't happen every time, sometimes heterosexually identified women will stay with their MTF partners before, during, and after their transition, sucking up their fear of the stigma enough to support someone that they honestly love. I've also met otherwise straight women who were attracted to trans women, explicitly because of their type of androgyny. It's not as common, and these women were unusually confident in their sexualities otherwise, but it's still there.

Hold on a second, though. Isn't this whole conversation cissexist? Aren't I endorsing people finding others attractive based on their birth sex, rather then their identified one? I guess I am. Sometimes it happens. I've listened to way too many lesbians gushing about this trans guy or that one to not recognize it as a legitimate phenomenon. You like what you like. And I think appreciating the characteristics that may occur as a result of transsexuality can be done while respecting that person's identity. It doesn't always happen so nicely, though, and I do see that as being potentially disrespectful if not outright bigoted.

And here's where the other potential for bigotry comes in.

Not all trans people are androgynous, trans women especially. A trans woman with just a little bit of a natural advantage along with the means and desire for surgery is pretty much unrecognizable from a cis woman. In my vast repertoire of queer acquaintances, I have also met lesbians in relationships with MTFs. There's no reason that isn't possible, especially with how completely female these women can be. You don't necessarily need to be attracted to someone based on their birth sex. With some trans people, it's pretty close to irrelevant.

Despite this huge realm of possibilities, is there still hemming and hawing about past male privilege, or "looking like men in dresses," or rape risks from people who are defensively justifying their absolute rejection of all trans women? Absolutely, and it's bigoted as shit. They're pretty lame excuses for disparaging someone by describing yourself as physically unable to be attracted to them before you've even met. There actually isn't much in the way of excusing that type of reaction, barring, say, serial killer status or something like that.

So- continue to ogle and giggle about whoever you come across that has the perfect sexy vibe for you. You don't have to try to make yourself be attracted to people you don't find attractive. But do keep an open, empathetic, and accurate mind, as sexuality is pretty much the worst thing you can make blanket generalizations about.

Also, any trans friends who are worried about navigating this complicated web of who may or may not find you attractive, just keep in mind individual tastes may vary, and when all else fails remember that people always forget about the bisexuals. ;)