Calls artwork a "tacit endorsement of monarchy."
AUGUSTA - Following his decision to remove a mural depicting the state's labor history from the Maine Department of Labor, Maine Governor Paul LePage ordered Thursday that a little girl's sandcastle be kicked in for sending the wrong message to business leaders. The sandcastle, constructed just this morning at Reid State Park in Georgetown, is slated for destruction by vigorous kicking later today.
"I'm trying to send a message to prospective employers that Maine is 'open for business,'" said LePage on a local AM radio program, referencing a sign he raised on the turnpike a few days ago. "This sandcastle, built on state property in a State Park, conjures up images of the monarchy our forefathers came here to escape. The sandcastle sends a message that any reasonable businessperson that, in Maine, they will be taxed without representation, forced to fund wars with the French, and regulated into the ground by a King."
"It's a tacit endorsement of monarchy," he added, "and it has to go."
A spokesperson from the Governor's office said that they had received "many complaints" about the castle since its construction this morning, ranging from the artwork's location to the size of its moat to the color of the cute little shells that serve as its windows.
"In this castle, I observed a startling resemblance the Tower of London," read a fax from one concerned citizen. "Studying the castle more closely, I came to understand that it's little more than propaganda calling for the return of a tyrannical monarch. I felt for all the world that I was back in the 1700s or whenever, being brainwashed into believing that I was a colonist who had to follow a remote King's orders as he took my money and, in all likelihood, our jobs. Also, my son wanted to play on that section of beach."
The fax was signed, "A Secret Admirer."
Many citizens who have no problem with sandcastles have also gotten in touch with the Governor's office, expressing concern for the little girl's well-being and confusion as to why state money was being spent to destroy something they hadn't even heard of before this morning. The Governor has dismissed these citizens as "special interests" and "misinformed sandcastle-lovers," and thus justified his shelving of their concerns.
A press release issued after the Governor's statement calls the sandcastle an "endorsement of monarchy" and an "impediment to the cultivation of jobs and businesses in Maine." It also lays out the plan for the castle's destruction: a convoy of SUVs carrying paid employees of the Governor's office will travel from Augusta to Georgetown to destroy the sandcastle, accompanied by photographers and LePage himself. LePage will hold a televised and webcast press conference on the beach and promises "as much vigorous kicking as possible." The trip will be paid for at taxpayers' expense.
A representative from the Department of Conversation, when reached for comment, said, "What are you talking about? All this money and time over a little art project?"
"That's stupid," he added.
At press time, the little girl remained on the beach, putting the finishing touches on her sandcastle's seaweed fence through misty eyes. "I just like castles," she sniffed. "I think they're pretty."